Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
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I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Lmfao
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
this post was so formative to me
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.