Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
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My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Perfection.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy