Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
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Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.