@lilgapeach30: Make fun of my footy pajamas if you must, but all you naked sleepers are gonna be up shit creek if your house catches on fire in the night.

@Parkerlawyer: My husband calls me Sugar and my dog's name is Sugar so when he says, "C'mere Sugar" there's an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

@AnkCoupleTO: Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain? Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?

@ilovepie84: I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

@badsandwich: Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce