*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
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How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day