Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
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Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
thank god
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Woke up against my better judgement again
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today