*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
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did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider