*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
You Might Also Like
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.