*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
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Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.