[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
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People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.