*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
You Might Also Like
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off