Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
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My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
cats when you pet them too long:
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok