From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
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garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?