Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
You Might Also Like
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Bruh PLEASE
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Good morning y’all ☀️
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.