When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
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I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo