@theyearofelan: Wake up your lover by hysterically screaming "Are you sleeping?!?!"
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@AndrewNadeau0: RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you? ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
@NikiWithIssues: I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
@millercycle: Whenever I’m pissed off at my wife, I go to the thrift store and replace her favorite jeans with the same style two sizes smaller.
@Skullcat: My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes