*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
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I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
guilty
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.