@DadandBuried: I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn't happen to be screaming there's always another around to pick up the slack.

@aveuaskew: You said you couldn't live without me, so it's very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.

@Reverend_Scott: [interview] "Where you see yourself in 5 years?" Doing your job. "And me?" Jobless and upset about the divorce "OMG" *runs out crying*

@ConorTripler: my GOTH DAD license plate is not a vanity plate it is a coincidence. random string of letters. could ve happened to a dad without eyeliner

@KenJennings: FREE $1,000,000,000 IDEA: a Tumblr-type platform for list-making called Schindlr