*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
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BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.