Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
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If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.