Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
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[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
the rocks need my help