You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
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Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.