*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
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Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
and now we wait
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.