*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
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Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
lol
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
How do you milk an almond?
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.