*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
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Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Guys, I found it.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols