*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
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If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Human are so complicated
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.