“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
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Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.