@ch000ch: [wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
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@FatherWithTwins: Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this. 4yos: Me: 4yos: Me: 4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
@MichaelLarrick: If white guys are day drinking, it's inevitable that they're going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
@SortaBad: "I'd like to make a large cash deposit" teller: ok, how much do you have? "Wow can't a guy just share his dreams without being pressured?"
@_mindflakes: Doctor: We need to double your meds Me: Will I still be able to knit little capes for my hamster? Doctor: We need to triple your meds