[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
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The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
The glockness monster
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then