[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
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I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.