[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
You Might Also Like
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
black phone good
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.