I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
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Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Best spoiler warning ever
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.