*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
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Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.