*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
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Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Woke up against my better judgment again
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.