*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
You Might Also Like
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Harsh but fair
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.