*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
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The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
happy valentine’s day to me
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.