*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
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The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.