*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
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I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
This was a bad idea all around
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99