[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
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“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
I falcon love using swear birds
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
This might be me.
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Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.