*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
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Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Finally! 😈
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy