*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
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awesome draft from months ago i just found
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…