*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
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Yes, this is exactly right
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab