[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
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I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Potatoes were such a good idea
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing