[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
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WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Whoa 😂
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.