*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
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“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
first you must answer his riddles
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Coffee for people with no kids
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.