[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
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When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
WWE is French for “yes”
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]