[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
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A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.