*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
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Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.