@TheRolo: [Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?
*Refrigerator hums loudly*
@bostongal12: I KNOW WHO TWEETED THAT!
-Me when reading ecards on Facebook
@UncleDuke1969: Buying my parents' house.
Soon, like so many of the 'ladies' here...
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom's basement.
@BobbyBigWheel: Meanwhile India is just blown away that you can get Britain to leave by voting
@ieatanddrink: Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she'll find you
@SteveSuckington: Alzheimer's cop: do you know why I pulled you over?