@TheRolo: [Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?
*Refrigerator hums loudly*
@LostFelicia: Your "poetic" tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn't thought of them first
@cramoska: When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
@Tuna_Lover: I caught two teens smoking pot behind my office. Ten minutes later, my boss caught two teens and myself smoking pot behind my office.
@1par8head: Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
@andylevy: *double-checks the constitution to see if we really have to have a president*