[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
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*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.