*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
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DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Aight bet
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
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