[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
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Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
one last job
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub