*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
You Might Also Like
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Me recordaron éste meme
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.