*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
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i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
i really liked this one
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.